Engaged: But he wasn’t Mr. Right

By an Anonymous Guest Blogger:

I just wanted to start off by letting you know how thankful I am for you and Made in His Image. Words cannot describe how much encouragement and healing I have found through your ministry. You always share just the right photo and quote when I need it or offer up prayers in my behalf. I appreciate everything you’re doing more than you know. It’s absolutely beautiful.

I remember finding your page last year through some of my fellow Catholic friends and instantly fell in love. I think it was right around the time of my breakup last year, and I immediately felt the prayers of everyone who told me they were praying for me.

I was engaged to my high school sweetheart and we had been together since high school (3 and a half years last summer). He joined the Air Force in 2010, so for about half of our relationship I didn’t see him. We saw each other about every 6 months, only a couple times a year. But what made our relationship so rocky is the fact that he wasn’t Catholic. His family considers themselves Christian but you would never guess they were from the way they lived. I don’t think I ever realized just how toxic our relationship until I was out of it.

After he got stationed across the country to his first duty station, I noticed that he was becoming a person I didn’t know anymore. Unfortunately, my emotions were always so caught up with the anticipation of seeing him again that I was ignoring the obvious red flags. I kept thinking that he needed me or there wouldn’t be a chance for him to find God. I kept telling myself that God put him in my life for a reason, and that reason was that I was supposed to bring him to God.

During the summer of 2011, I saw that Jackie Francois was going to be speaking at Theology on Tap on Dating & Relationships. I knew that I HAD to be there. I felt so called to go. I heard her talk in high school, but needed to hear it again. I didn’t see that I was slowly slipping away from my faith. Her talk was a huge wake up call for me. Huge! I was a mess for days and couldn’t do anything except furiously journal about everything going through my mind. Jackie told me I needed to break up with him. I told myself, she doesn’t know the whole story, but she knew enough. From then on, I got more involved with the young adult community in San Diego. I went on the diocesan retreat that fall and found a community of so many amazing people who supported me. I was so on fire for God. And that’s what got me through the distance. He was a little worried about this new-found passion and thought I was crazy.

Thing gradually got worse with him. When we were apart, he hated communication, which was a problem. I wouldn’t hear from or be able to get ahold of him from Friday to Sunday. and I started I knew he was hiding things from me. He would constantly complain about how the marriage prep process in the church is such a burden and hassle. When we were together he would always pressure me to have sex, but at the same time say he respected my beliefs. When I went to visit him one time, several fellow military guys pressured us to just get married at the courthouse and get it out of the way. Praise God I was so against that! The last time we spent together was last summer when he came home. We had been looking forward to this for a long time and I planned for us to attend Pre Cana & talk with the priest. But for some reason, my anxiety was at an all time high.

He was not himself and I felt like something was not right. He was grumbling all during Pre-Cana and getting strangely protective of his phone, not letting me get anywhere near it. He didn’t like any of my Catholic friends. During a mini weekend vacation with his family on the beach, all I wanted to do was leave. I felt so trapped and miserable. I had to practically beg him to take me to Mass that Sunday. He dropped me off and decided to wait in the parking lot, I walked in 15 minutes late and just cried in the back. To make it worse, his family made fun of me for going to church while on a vacation. I witnessed him drunk for the first time that visit, and it scared me.

He didn’t know who I was and started getting very verbally abusive and controlling. I was so desperate for us to work that I wasn’t seeing how unhealthy this was for my well being and my relationship with God. The good thing is that throughout all of this, I just kept praying for God’s will to be done for our lives. I honestly didn’t know what that would mean, but secretly hoped it meant that we were supposed to be together. I was so scared of the idea of not being with him, because that was a comfortable place to me. I liked feeling like my life was planned out and I knew what to expect. I’m just glad I was asking God to intervene, even if I didn’t realize what it would result in.

The day after he went back to base I got a message on Facebook from some of the guys that lived in the dorms with him. They pretty much told me that he cheated on me before he came home and thought I should be aware of it. Although they didn’t know exactly what happened, they saw a lot of inappropriate behavior and couldn’t watch this go on any longer since I seemed like such a devoted fiancé. I was absolutely disgusted and immediately skyped him. He didn’t even know what to say. He swore nothing happened.

After four days I got a text from him saying, I desperately need to talk to you. I had just arrived at a happy hour with friends and didn’t think it was important, so ignored it. Well he kept trying to reach me so I caved and picked up the phone. I stepped outside and couldn’t understand a word he was saying because he was crying so hard. Then I understood. I’m sorry…. I lied to you the entire time I was home…even when the truth came out I still denied it… She’s pregnant…She just told me today. It’s all a blur after that. I remember screaming into the phone, my friends taking it away from me and hanging it up, ripping the ring off my finger, and uncontrollably bawling outside this restaurant for hours.

I felt so betrayed, so hurt beyond words. How could this happen to me? Why? I started to blame myself at first because I was so far away from him & because I was making him save ourselves for marriage (twisted thinking). I am so passionately pro-life and I remember for a split second wishing that baby had never come into existence. Wishing it would just disappear. I was horrified for thinking such a thing. I just felt like it took everything away from me. I later realized it was quite the opposite. If it weren’t for that baby, I might never have found out the truth. He didn’t tell me until there was nowhere left to hide. Instead of being angry at God, I couldn’t stop thanking Him. He protected me. From what would have been a disastrous marriage. It scares me to think of that now. It is by the grace of God that I found out when I did.

I could seriously go on and on. But when it comes down to it, I have felt closer to God than ever before and received a very clear confirmation from Him. I was thumbing through my journal and discovered Jackie’s talk was on July 19, 2011 and I found out the truth about the baby on July 19, 2012. Crazy!

I had a lot of resentment. It took a while for me to ask Jesus to teach me how to forgive him.

My life is finally on the right track now. I still have a long way to go, but it feels great to be healthy and happy. It was quite a painful learning experience but I now know how valuable I am in God’s eyes and will NEVER settle. I just want to shout it from the rooftops to every girl, because no one deserves to live like that. Everyone deserves God’s very best!

I actually met a wonderful guy a month after the breakup at Mega Mass with the Bishop for the young adults of San Diego. He had just moved here from Austin and we became friends immediately. It wasn’t my intention to date anytime soon, but it turned out that he has actually helped me in so many ways through this whole thing. And what I like about him is that he also desires to follow God’s will, whatever our vocations may be. He feels like God introduced us because he knew to some small degree what I was going through. We don’t know whether we’re supposed to get married one day  but it’s refreshing to be with someone who is bringing me closer to God.