How to Help a Victim of Abuse
By: Maribel Rodriguez Laguna, M.A., LPC | Licensed Counselor | Guest Blogger
My name is Maribel R. Laguna and I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Dallas, Texas. As a counselor, I have the privilege of working with God to help others heal. My first job as a counselor was working exclusively with victims of abuse. I found myself inexperienced and overwhelmed. Frankly, I did not know what to do or say. Thankfully, through excellent supervision I started figuring out slowly what to do and say. When people asked me the typical “What do you do?” conversation starter, and I told them, they did not know what to say. After numerous encounters like this, I realized that no one really knows what to say about abuse. In an attempt to say something, people say things like, “Well why did you stay?, Why didn’t you tell anyone?, That’s what happens when people are promiscuous, Maybe she wore revealing clothes” or “At least it was only touching.” As much as these statements make me cringe, turn my insides inside out, fire me up, nothing is more hurtful to a victim than ignoring a painful disclosure of abuse. Silence. Out of fear we are SILENT.
In the words of Blessed Pope John Paul II “Be not afraid!” Family, friends be not afraid to pierce the silence with words of mercy, healing, understanding and compassion. You see, the person in front of us is tired of being silent and needs to know that it is okay to speak. This is their first step from victim to survivor. When we are silent we communicate and encourage a return to silence.
In my work as a family therapist I realized that no one needs a psychology degree to communicate understanding and compassion. I have witnessed family members, with simple guidance, become the agents of understanding and compassion. It is simply a matter of practice.
I would now like to take a moment to teach you four basic steps to take when a friend or family member discloses an experience of abuse. The purpose of these steps is not to diagnose, psychoanalyze or provide therapy but simply to show support. First, reflect the person’s feeling by using the magic phrase used by every therapist that I know “It sounds like you feel ________.” Fill in the blank. Some feelings a friend or family member may be experiencing as a result of abuse are anger, sadness, fear, discouragement, helplessness, hopelessness, or guilt.
Second, acknowledge the abuse and state that abuse is wrong. Many times victims of abuse are manipulated by their perpetrator to believe that it is not abuse. We can use statements like, “That sounds like abuse and it is not right.”
Third, honor the courage of the person. “You were strong in telling me something so private.”
Fourth, offer an alternative. If the abuse is something that happened previously you can say “You don’t have to continue living with this secret,” or “Have you ever thought about talking to a counselor.” If the abuse is ongoing, “You don’t have to continue being in a relationship where you are hurt” or “Counseling can help whenever you are ready.” If they are a child, we are mandated to report the abuse to the authorities in our respective state. Although this may be difficult to do it can be a way of protecting someone who cannot protect themselves. I assure you from personal experience, these statements go a long way. They communicate understanding, compassion, healing, and hope. Most importantly, these statements break the silence of abuse and help a friend or relative be a step closer to being a survivor. Let us break the silence!
P.S. You are enough
