“I just wanted a dad,” she said.

The author wished to remain anonymous.

I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to come up with an elegant way to articulate my thoughts about my childhood. The truth is there is no eloquent way to convey what it was like, so I’m just going to say it. Growing up with an abusive father was hell.

I use to shudder upon hearing the garage door open in the evening. Would he be mad? Had I done something wrong in his eyes? Had he had a good day at work? Thinking about what might happen after dinner made me go to the bathroom and get sick from nervousness.

Would the police come that night? Would my mom lie again and tell the officers said had fallen? When I heard her do that I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell the whole world she hadn’t fallen again, but that I saw my dad almost kill her. I saw his hands wrapped around her neck. I saw the knife. I saw her gasping for air. I knew the pain well, because it happened to me too.

Why would she let him do that to me? Didn’t she love me enough to protect me? Growing up was like walking on egg shells. I never knew what to accept. Would my dad be there? Would he leave? Would he, in his rage, smash the dishes to the floor. Would he destroy my artwork? Would he tell me yet again, that I was worthless?

I grew accustom to his derogatory remarks and over time, began to believe them. That was the sad part.

At the very core of my being all my heart ached for was a father. A father to protect me. A father to comfort me when I had nightmares, instead of giving them to me. A father to tell me I was beautiful. A father to teach me to dance. A father to hold my hand in the rain. A father to give me a hug before bed.

After college I started a new life and moved away. I built new memories and learned about forgiveness. The truth is some men never had an example from their own father, so they make the same mistakes as their fathers before them made. That’s what happened with my dad. He didn’t know how to love me because I don’t think he ever had an encounter with love himself.

I forgive my father. And to be honest with you, I feel sorry for him. His heart craves love. So I called him today and we talked. Saint John of the Cross said, where there is no love, put love, and you will draw out love. 

That’s what I desire to do. Yes, the past hurts, it hurts so deeply that there are times when I can barely breathe. Trust me, I get it. But I’m going to make the choice to focus on the good and the beautiful. The first thing I did this morning was wish God the Father a Happy Father’s Day, because he is the ultimate Father. Get to know Him. He cares about you.

So today, if you should feel alone, angry, rejected, isolated from those you love or frustrated because you feel as if no one understand your pain, then turn to our Heavenly Father and tell Him your feelings, for He does understand, and sees all things. He is waiting for you to come to Him. Throw yourself into His Arms and let Him hold you through the pain.

There is a loving, gentle, merciful and compassionate Father who will never leave you. You are precious to Him. He adores you so. This is His promise to you. Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. – Hebrews 13:5

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find meaning in the suffering. If there is a purpose in life at all, there must be a purpose in suffering. But no man can tell another what this purpose is, each must find out for himself, and must accept the responsibility that his answer prescribes. If he succeeds he will continue to grow in spite of all indignities.”

P.S. You are enough.