“I just wanted to feel something, so I accelerated”
It was three years ago when someone told me that Charlie’s addiction to pornography was my fault. And the sad thing was, I believed it. Their words penetrated my sensitive heart like a deadly hurricane hitting the coast. I got in my car and drove to the adoration chapel. No one was there so I screamed out, Who am I? Are you my Father or not?
I got back in my car and onto the highway. The pain made me numb and I just wanted to feel something, so I accelerated. I couldn’t feel anything, so I went faster as tears streamed down my face like torrents. I just want to be able to go to a movie, walk down the street again, look in the mirror and see my reflection, go out in the daylight, take a shower and wear shorts, I screamed.
A few moments later, as I continued to accelerate I was tempted to take my own life by smashing my car into the cement median in the road. The devil whispered that the pain would finally be gone if I did this. I wanted to end the pain, but knew in my heart that this would mean he had won. And if I lived for one reason only it would be so that the devil wouldn’t win this battle. So I shouted, Who am I? Do You love me? The Rosary beads that were wrapped around my rear view mirror began to sway when I asked those questions. In my heart I heard the following from the Father, Maura, you are My daughter. You are precious in My sight and more beautiful than you can imagine. I am your Father and I love you. The Rosary beads ceased swinging and I slowed down grateful to be alive. In my heart I felt the Father’s peace. My recovery from the effects of his addiction to pornography was long and hard, but I will forever choose to see the beauty in the cross, for the cross birthed Made in His Image.
Matthew Fradd is the founder of the website The Porn Effect and I have often promoted his apostolate on my blog. Below is a little about Matthew and his two new interviews from Catholic Answers: Breaking Free From Pornography Part I and II. I strongly encourage you to use him as a resource.
Matthew Fradd is Australian by birth and Catholic by choice. After experiencing a profound conversion at World Youth Day in Rome in 2000, Matthew committed himself to inviting others to know Jesus Christ and the Church He founded. As a missionary in Canada and Ireland, Matthew proclaimed the Gospel to over ten thousand teens and young adults. Matthew has also served the Church through full-time lay ministry in Australia, Ireland, Canada, and Texas. Matthew has been seen or heard on the BBC, EWTN, The Irish Morning Show, and Catholic Answers Live, where he has shared his personal story of sin, redemption, and healing to people all over the world.
Recently, Matthew, his fearless Texan wife, and their three beautiful children (Liam, Avila, and baby on the way) moved to sunny San Diego where Matthew now works as an Apologist and Speaker with Catholic Answers. Matthew best demonstrates his infectious passion for the faith when he speaks about the many wounds that pornography inflicts, the healing that Christ offers in the Sacraments, and the freedom that the Church proposes in Her teachings on the virtue of chastity.
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You can also buy Matthew’s new CD: Taking Down Goliath: Five Strategies To Get Porn Out Of Your Life by clicking here.
Hollywood love is an emotion. It’s something that just happens to you. The focus is not on a commitment to another, but on what is happening inside you – the powerful, good feelings you experience when you’re with this other person. Real love, however, is very different from Hollywood love. Real love requires much effort. It is a virtue that involves sacrifice, responsibility and a total commitment to the other person. – Dr. Edward Sri
