You are one of the first people I’ve heard to come out and say that getting professional help is okay and, above all else, normal. I think I REALLY needed to hear this. I am scared to death of pushing myself to get professional help. I am scared of the possibilities that my friends and family will believe I am crazy. I’m afraid of feeling like I’ve failed myself. Nevertheless, I really think I should and will be looking into it, thanks to your encouragement. I have a moral obligation to get help for myself; I don’t want to be stuck in this vicious circle forever.
Maura, thank you SO much for all that you are, and for bravely sharing your story! You are giving so many women like me the strength to believe that there is a way out of this darkness, and the inspiration to fight for the betterment of our lives, while building a strong and healthy relationship with God the Father. I’ve never been able to really think of our God, as the Father. I am so much more comfortable with thinking of a judgmental and angry God. But I feel like He has been reaching out since I heard you speak, especially in the past two days.
Yesterday, I pushed myself to finally go to counseling- it was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Right before I left, I came across Philippians 4:6-7 about how God wants me to give up my anxieties to Him. Still, I was 10 minutes late to the appointment because I literally had to persuade myself to get into my car. I was absolutely terrified, but I made it! Little victories. It was awkward, it was scary, it was completely draining… but I’m glad I pushed myself to start this journey. Before I left, my therapist told me that the Lord wanted me to run to Him; His arms are open and waiting to hold me close. That was hard to hear, especially after having read Philippians a couple of hours before. I’m not sure I really believed it. Then tonight, I came across Ephesians 3:16-19, about how much deeper God’s love is than anything we could ever possibly know. And an hour later, I read your entry about our worth as daughters of God… and I almost lost it. I’m still on the verge of tears.
Tonight, I am wholly overwhelmed with God’s love. Though I feel so undeserving and unworthy, at least tonight, the depth of His love feels like a reality. Tonight, I feel like through Him, I CAN recover. Though worldly men have made me what I am now, my Father has bigger plans for my future. There is hope for me.
Thank you for the initial nudge to go get help for myself- Even though I know this is going to be so hard, I can already see that this is where He wants me to be. I’m doing the right thing. I am sure there are still so many more hard days ahead, but hopefully I can look back on this night and remember what it feels like to be filled with God’s perfect love.