Pursuing my Fiancée
By Alex Clark: Guest Blogger
I must confess: I did not pursue my fiancée, Jess. However, pursuing your dream girl is not a stage, but rather in the background of your whole life. This is not to say that I agree with that age old saying “win your wife’s love every day”, rather, I hope to use our relationship to apply that saying to men regardless of their personality type.
Some background: Jess and I met in 7th grade when I decided I should blat my trumpet in her ear during band. She was less than impressed and soon came to the conclusion she did not like me. In retribution, she would steal my trumpet and run to the girls’ bathroom, where I couldn’t chase her.
Fast forward a few years, now we have developed a deep friendship (much to the ire of our significant others). We hung out constantly and were the locus of our group. Looking back, the only reason we didn’t date in high school is because we weren’t single at the same time. This may have been a blessing, because it let us prepare for a future relationship.
Fast forward again and freshmen year of college we find ourselves both single, but half a country apart. We both felt an unspoken pull towards each other that manifested itself over Thanksgiving break in a relationship that surprised no one… then broke up. Turns out it was still too early. We both had some maturing to do. We both dated a little, some serious relationships and some that didn’t stand a chance, until senior year we found ourselves face to face with our undeniable connection, yet understandably not wanting to go headlong into another relationship considering how our last one ended. After a few months of not-dating, we decided to stop the charade and retroactively set our official anniversary date. This time it lasted.
As you can see, I didn’t really pursue Jess in the “traditional sense”. If anything, she waited for me while putting out some subtle hints until I picked up on them and started thinking about her as a partner. I like to think of myself as the Beast instead of Gaston, nervous around Jess romantically and slowly picking up on cues from her. I’d like to point this out because I think the “traditional sense” of pursuing a woman attempts to force men into a mold that looks like a virtuous Gaston, not taking into account the fact that men have feelings and can be scared of being hurt.
Recently, Jess and I have been preparing for living together. Now, I am a very set man. So when it comes to introducing another person in my life, I felt entitled to make them change. Protip: that attitude won’t get you far with anyone, let alone someone preparing to live with you forever. So what happened? With the help of some deep prayer, I came to a better understanding of pursuing my gal as a mindset for life.
By earning your woman’s love every day, pursuing her as a lifelong experience, I mean continually acting on your love for her. All you do must be born from your love for this woman who has so captured your heart. I like to use our arguments as an example. When Jess and I argue and I don’t come from a place of love, we don’t get anywhere and the fight can last for a whole day. If I face that same argument from a place of love, I can choose her over my position, her position, being right, and proving her wrong. If she does the same, then Jess and I can proceed regardless of the outcome and be united in the result.
The above paragraph seems a bit lofty considering you won’t treat a first date as you would your wife of 20 years, but it still can be applied wherever you are in your relationship. The initial love and attraction is built upon throughout the relationship, and so it can be used to act from at the beginning stages as well, just at a different level. This is directly opposed, however, to dating women unchristianly. If you are just trying to be invited over for the night, your place of love is warped and not springing from God.
This can all be summed in the biggest advice I can offer: look at her lovingly instead of lustfully. Care for the person, not just the body. This changes the whole dynamic of your relationship.
P.S. You are enough.
