The author wished to remain anonymous.
Photo credit: The Shalom Imaginative
To all unmarried Christian ladies:
I want to speak completely honestly with you all.
I…unashamedly, without regret, without a hint of guilt, admit that I…
…love the feeling of an orgasm.
Yes, I said it. And you know what? I don’t think there is a single person on this earth who would disagree with me.
Yet, as you look around at your pure and holy friends, you can’t imagine them ever saying those words, can you? You can’t imagine them ever admitting to being tempted by masturbation, porn, or sex. You especially can’t imagine them admitting to acting on those temptations.
You look around and you see two separate worlds – there are the pure, holy, good girls who are so excited for their wedding night sex (TOB says sex is great, after all!), but who currently would die before smudging their purity. And then there are the regular people who have no moral, religious obligations and have sex as often as they want because they have no real reason to stop themselves.
That’s how the world is sometimes painted in your life, isn’t it? It’s kind of black and white. You’re either religious and pure or you’re non-religious and sex-crazed.
And then there’s you. You’re sitting here, and you’re a good Christian girl. Everyone says you are. But when nobody is around, you masturbate. You watch porn. Maybe you even have sex. Yet you keep that all hidden away inside of you, maybe confessing it to a priest if you’re brave enough. You then coat your actions with shame and tuck them down deep inside of you, painfully aware that you’re a hypocrite. You wish you could release your guilt, but you think the other girls would judge you.
Just like they think you would judge them.
Ladies, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the line between the two “worlds,” the worlds of the pure and impure, don’t exist. Everybody is human. Everybody is tempted by sex. Some people act on that temptation, some people don’t. Some of those people are religious, and some are not.
I had an experience recently wherein I struggled with masturbation on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. I was fully addicted. I was filled with shame. As I struggled with a sin that I thought made me the devil, I became highly depressed. I ran to confession every day and cried every night as I fell into sin time and time again. I hated myself. I was miserable.
Finally, my best friend and I had a deep conversation and I confessed to her my struggles. I expected her to judge me, to look down on me, to be disgusted with me. After all, she was a good and pure girl, just like I was supposed to be.
Yet, after I admitted my struggles, feeling sick to my stomach, I remember she looked up at me, took a breath, and replied, “Me too.”
So did another friend.
One of them had sex.
Two of them had sex.
Suddenly, so many of us… so many who had hidden our sins deep down, thinking we were the only ones struggling, found that we were not alone. We found ourselves facing the same temptations, sometimes acting on them, and always hiding away our shame for fear of judgment from each other. I cannot tell you how relieving it was to have my shame and fear melt away. I no longer felt like an outcast in the pure, Christian bubble. I simply felt human.
Ladies, I want you to know you are not alone. Let your shame fall away. You are an amazing, wonderful human being, striving to be a good person, just like everyone else. You fall, but you fall with everyone, and we are all here to lovingly lift each other up and help each other carry on. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with your friends. Don’t be afraid to talk to a priest. Even though the world looks black and white, it’s much more colorful than you could ever imagine. And, just like you, it’s so beautiful!
P.S. You are enough.