Why Didn’t He Make it Stop?

I use to think God was out to get me. In fact, when I was younger I convinced myself that surely He must be a monster. Abused. Broken. Rejected. Surely if there was a God out there, He would make it stop, right? But wait, if there is a God, couldn’t He have made it stop altogether, as if it didn’t even happen? Yeah, why didn’t He do that? Oh that’s right, I forgot, He doesn’t love me. I’m not good enough. I’m worthless. 

For years, that is how I journeyed through life.

And what makes it even worst is that I know I’m not the only one who has had those thoughts. Perhaps yours aren’t identical to mine, but I bet they have countless similarities.

You know something? I am worth it. And so are you.

During college I spent a summer in Kolkata, India serving with the Missionaries of Charity, the order of Sisters started by Blessed Mother Teresa. I served at Kalighat, Mother’s home for the dying. It was there that I discovered how much God loves each of us. The way in which the patients at Kalighat suffer is exceedingly intense. Most of them are literally just lying there waiting to die, riddled with pain. We had no medication to give them and that was heart wrenching. We would carry in the dying off the streets and give them a bed, which was literally their death-bed.

There was one woman there who captured my heart immensely. She had a worm infested brain and with a tweezer we pulled the worms out. I sat by her bed as she prepared to die and lathered her whole body with cream to make her more comfortable. It was 115 degrees and her skin tough as leather. That woman, who I named Mary, showed me more love than I could ever offer her in a lifetime. I saw Jesus through her, as she radiated His love. Mary taught me how to love.

What I have learned in my journey of healing is that God gives us free will and while He doesn’t will evil to happen, He allows it because He will not take away our free will. It is up to us to decide how we will use this gift He has given to us, some use it to harm others, others for good. I challenge you to use your free will to fight for freedom, whether that be an eating disorder, recovering from abuse or any type of struggle. Be a solider for Christ, walk with Him to Calvary and as you fall along the way, ask for the grace for the cross to be placed squarely on your shoulders as you rise again. Choose to see beauty despite what has happened in your life, or how others have wronged you. Forgive, pray, ask for grace and seek beauty in the ambiguity of life.

P.S. You’re enough.

Photo taken from the slums of Kolkata, India.

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