18 Days Binge Free

sept 28

The following post is written by a woman involved with Made in His Image. I thank her for her candor, courage and perseverance in sharing her story with us today.

By Christine Saah:

I am going strong and resisting the urges to purge. It’s been 18 days! Praise God! I am still struggling with the urges to overeat, and it doesn’t help that I get normal cravings that everyone else gets. A small craving for me can be a huge issue! It hasn’t been too bad yet, but if I want to make sure I nourish my body properly I have to change this. Now that God has given me the strength to overcome purging, I need to ask for the grace to eat healthy.

I want to eat to fuel my body. It is harder for me to resist temptation when I don’t go to Mass. I found that daily Mass and receiving the Eucharist was the missing medicine in my recovery. I continued to struggle with the purging until I made it a point to attend daily Mass and also practice the sacrament of reconciliation. Now that I am not sinning through purging I have to do a deeper reflection of myself to confess my sins. I love this challenge, because it allows me to truly reveal myself fully, and to let God mend my deepest wounds. I have successfully gone through and continue to go through counseling. I also remain on my medication. I promise I will not abruptly stop it like I have 3 times in the past.

Some of my wounds include the sense of pride I got from accomplishing my 30 pound weight loss a year ago. I look at photos and it makes me sad. It can honestly be triggering, but I feel that I need to confront them. I like to remind myself of how I felt in those photos. I certainly was not honoring God in how I dressed or acted. I wanted to dress sexier, especially for Homecoming. I didn’t lose weight to be sexy, but I realized being sexy could easily increase as I lost weight.

All of my worth was based on externals, instead of my internal beauty. However, as my outside appearance took over I died inside. Maybe I can see that I didn’t need to lose weight, but in the moment I felt worthless. I don’t ever want to go back to feeling so ugly all the time. I don’t want to ever have so much self-hatred. It is miserable and it takes over. You lose who you really think you are, and fill yourself up with darkness. It’s taken a long time to become confident again, and the only reason I can is because I let Christ have it all. I put up my white flags and surrendered. I am still struggling with this need to lose weight, but this habit will not die out right away. I have to deal with years of a poor relationship with food, my body, and weight loss. I am crying as I write this, but I am so glad I can share my experience. I have been through many trials and want to prevent any one I can from carrying this cross.

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