Ahh, My Clothes Don’t Fit

I use to have a pair of khaki J.Crew pants that defined me. Those pants were literally my life line. If I felt like I had eaten too much or gained weight, I would immediately try those pants on. Ahh, they are too tight! Okay, I need to lose weight or exercise for hours. Or, Phew, they are still loose! Thank God I didn’t gain any weight. 

I was a slave to those pants for 2 years. Those pants could have easily taken my life because at my lowest weight I was 35 pounds lighter than I am today. My life is a miracle. And guess what? So is yours.

Everyday I talk to women who have a misconceived notion of beauty and their inherent dignity and worth. It’s sad to see. And our culture promotes this manufactured beauty, which girls and women succumb to.

The other day a woman told me I’ve gained weight and my clothes no longer fit. I feel like the only option is weight loss. I’m so glad she told me because that isn’t the only option. But trust me, I completely understand how you feel. At first when one of the doctors told me that I would still be thin if I gained the required 25 pounds, I nearly flew out of the doctor’s office. 25 pounds are you crazy, I would be a balloon if I was 25 pounds. NO WAY!!  No freaking way!! 

But you know what? Later on I realized that I was missing out on life. Sure, I was breathing, but I wasn’t living. I was simply surviving, hoping that tomorrow I would still fit into my J.Crew pants. Then, I realized that if I was going to get better it would be hard, hard as hell to be exact. And hard as hell it was, but worth it a million times over.

So what did I do when I started to gain weight and my eating disorder clothes no longer fit me? At first I kept them. I had to have them close by. I didn’t feel safe without them. Then I realized that they made me feel really uncomfortable and I hated that. So I went to Gap and bought one pair of pants that fit me and two shirts. I wore those pants all the time. I was convinced people were going to think I was weird because I kept wearing the same pants. My second pair of pants had an elastic waist so those felt even more comfortable. I wore my old running shirts that I had acquired from races most of the time because they were bigger, so they didn’t stick to my body. Over time I learned to buy clothes that fit my body, not the other way around.

I always bought them a little big, and that helped me when I felt super full after a meal, so I won’t be as anxious. Also, in the beginning I would cut the size out of pants or shirts so I wouldn’t be distracted by a stupid number. It took me a little while to get rid of my eating disorder clothes, but with God’s grace I did. And this is essential, you have to get rid of those clothes. Those clothes represent an illness, not your identity. Because your identity is who you are as a daughter of God, not that you were a size 0 (or whatever size that was).

Today I wore a pair of skinny jeans, a white fitted shirt and scarf and I felt completely comfortable. The fact that I can do that is a miracle. You can get there too. Take it one step at a time and never stop trying.

P.S. YOU’RE ENOUGH.