Missing him, but trusting Him

By Erin McNew | Guest Blogger

The degree to which someone has the potential to capture your heart is both incredible and terrifying. Just recently I watched a movie with a quote in it that said something along the lines of, love is the most acceptable form of insanity, and at this point in my life I really feel as if that is true at times.

I just recently got out of about a year long relationship of sorts. Oddly enough, there are so many times when quotes got me through it. Everything worthwhile starts off a little scary. The best things in life are worth fighting for. Quotes can help you to justify anything. Because, just for a moment, you realize that someone at some point had the exact words to describe how you’re feeling right now. But recently, I discovered a new quote. Examples of emotional abuse… lying… withholding important information… telling the individual that they are too much trouble… Ignoring or excessively criticizing… treating an individual like a child.

I’ve been a little more hesitant to admit the fact that I can relate to that one.

1 Timothy 6:12 says, Fight the good fight of faith. Most people that know me could tell you I’ve never been much of a relationship kind of girl. I’ve always been someone who prides myself on independence and believes that nourishing my love for Christ will be enough to one day lead me to the right man. And it did. Just not in the way that I expected. It led me to a man who needed someone to believe in them. It led to a man who needed a glimpse into the heart of God. But it led me to a man who didn’t have these same desires for me. I’m a strong woman. But sometimes the fight of faith is enough to bring me to my knees. Sometimes the fight of faith is enough to isolate me from my own self-assurance. And sometimes it brings me to people who tell me words that conflict with the words God has whispered to my heart. You’re beautiful. You’re enough. You’re never a burden. There’s always time for you.

Over the span of close to twelve months, those words became foreign to me. When someone you love fails to nourish your belief in those things or simply believes the opposite, it becomes wearing to your soul. You start to forget who you are because the only opinion that matters to you is that other person’s. You take less delight in the love of God and the love of yourself because they seem less real. You feel as if those loves can’t hold you. But in reality they’re the only loves that are keeping you hanging on.

I fought the good fight. And I let my heart get captured by someone who didn’t deserve it. So I got lost along the way. Allegations of abuse and neglect seemed hefty. So I told myself those words only applied to extreme situations and let myself endure the everyday effects of a love that lacks commitment and roots in Christ. When I sought Christ’s help, his words seemed foreign to me. As much as I wanted to be held and protected, I took refuge in the wrong arms. I forgot the powers of His hands, and laid my faith in the potential of another’s.

I still find myself missing the man who mistreated my heart some days. And on those days I pray to the God that never quit pursuing mine. I’ve been reacquainted with a heart that never quits telling me those things that we as women so long to hear. It’s a heart that knows just how special and deserving of proper treatment we are. And it’s a heart that leads you into the arms of a man that knows likewise if you remain faithful to it.

P.S. You are enough.