Self-Harm: I Just Wanted to See How Sharp the Knife Was
Made in His Image is exceedingly excited to announce that we now have a self-harm recovery section of our blog. We are so grateful to Chiara, our new self-harm recovery editor and blogger. She is amazing! I know you will learn so much from her!
I still remember it as if it had happened yesterday. It was the middle of the night and everyone in my family was asleep, except me. When I think back to that night, I can relive that very moment as if I was there and it was happening right now, in front of my eyes. I must have been around 10 or 11 years old. I can see myself going to the kitchen, opening the cupboard drawer where we kept our cutleries, reaching for a knife (I still remember which one) and putting/resting it on my wrist. I just wanted to see how sharp the knife was, so I carefully swiped it across my wrist, without actually cutting myself. And that was pretty much the end of it. Little did I know that in years to come, I’d actually become so addicted to self-harm that I wouldn’t even be able to get through one day without cutting myself.
But that night back in the kitchen, I was innocent. I can’t remember why I even did what I did. When I look back, the only reason that comes to my mind is anxiety. Anxiety because of all the pressure I felt around me, from school and home. I suffered from anxiety for a while. I can trace it back to those young years and see how it gradually increased with the years until becoming a real issue. But that’s another story.
We are in the middle of Holy Week and as I meditate upon the Passion of Jesus and His Resurrection, I remind myself that as He Himself still has His wounds from the Cross even though He’s in Heaven, I still have my scars and wounds to carry around. It hurts to see my own scars. And what frustrates me the most is I have to see them every day because they’re so evident. Whenever I see them I can’t help but feel all sorts of negative emotions rushing through me: anger, shame, guilt, sadness, failure and the worst of all, temptation.
They haven’t always been there, but now they are and I can’t do anything about that but wait and while I’m waiting, pray. Pray for the strength not to be triggered by them and for the grace to be strong enough not to fall into temptation, again. Maybe eventually, maybe one day they’ll disappear. I’ve asked this from Our Lady and I’ve told God, Dad, I wish You’d heal my wrist from the wounds I’ve inflicted upon myself. But, if this is not part of Your loving plans for me, help me to gladly accept it. May Your will be done and not mine. I know that God will use my failures for His glory, if I offer them to Him. And so can you! Remember that our Heavenly Father is the One who makes all things new. He is able. Trust Him with all your heart because His plans for us are always better and greater than any plans we could ever imagine for ourselves on our own.
You may be struggling with self-harm at this moment in your life. Maybe you’ve done it for years, maybe not. Maybe you know someone who is struggling or has been struggling in the past. Self-harm has been a part of my life for almost 10 years and I can assure you that I’ve found great freedom in Jesus. Nothing is truly impossible for Him and nothing is impossible for YOU if you’re with Him. There is true hope and healing in Christ for each and every one of you! I’m here today, as a living testimony of that and I’m delighted and honored to be a part of Made in His Image and share this with you. I’d like to thank Maura and Made in His Image for giving me this opportunity to be used by God and to give Him more glory. As I’ll be writing and sharing bits and pieces of my personal experience, I pray it will fill you with His hope. So stay blessed and tuned for my next post!
Please check out and like Chiara’s awesome Facebook page: Daughter’s of God. The mission of her page: To encourage women to become who God meant them to be so that they can set the world on fire for Him.
P.S. You are enough.