Skinny Jeans + Eating Disorder = Disaster


By Christine Saah:

The Easter Triduum is complete and our Savior has let the Father’s will be done. We are redeemed! We may not have been eye witnesses of the crucifixion of Christ, but we are still able to experience it on a daily basis as practicing Catholics. The struggle each of us face daily is the cross each one of us carries. If Christ hadn’t died, I imagine that our crosses would be a whole lot harder to carry, because we would have no hope. Why do we have hope? Christ conquered death! He was persecuted and died for all of our sins and overcame death. We can surrender to our struggles out of despair, or we can accept the things we cannot change, and change the things that we can. It all starts with you! Look within yourself. You have the choice to make the best of things. This Easter is a brand new beginning and a chance at new life!

My last blog post “I wanted to be good and wait until I was legal…” talked about all the changes God has asked me to make and how painful they are. It hasn’t gotten any less painful to constantly correct my learned behaviors, but it has gotten easier to deal with as I look to the Beloved’s death and resurrection. My chance at new life is right now! As Ephesians 4:24 says, You were taught to start living a new life. It is created to be truly good and holy, just as God is. So I ask myself, how can I live a new life?

First, I constantly want to honor God with my body through modest dress. I have a lot of clothing that doesn’t exactly fit me anymore. These clothes can sometimes trigger the eating disorder state of mind. I already got rid of my little black dress, but I officially got rid of the one pair of skinny jeans that I idolized. I knew the day I got those jeans that I was at my thinnest. That day was a victory for my eating disorder. I think I’ve kept them, because it reminded me of how small I can be and it motivated me to be disordered.  I also got rid of every single bikini I own.

I’m not comfortable bearing all of my skin at my current weight and I realized I don’t need to expose myself like that to be beautiful. I can be beautiful in a modesty bathing suit that doesn’t expose my body. I protect myself and all the gentlemen that I would encounter through modesty. This spring cleaning gave me a chance to ask for my grandfather to assist me in buying new clothing. He was very willing to help! I think there needs to be a reserve fund on the side for every girl recovering from an eating disorder so she can get new clothing to embrace her true beauty.

Lastly, I want to be freed of my eating disorder by choosing to see my beauty in all of my struggle, my outward appearance and most importantly my inward appearance. Easter Sunday marks 7 days being binge/purge free. I’ve gone much longer than 7 days, but the past is the past. All I can do is focus on the now, because I have new life! I want to make the best of this new life! I want to make healthy choices and be the best version of myself. This could mean me losing weight or not. It doesn’t matter. I want to feel good, fuel my body physically and spiritually. I must be doing something right, because I went running for the first time in months on Good Friday. I’ve had to overcome a foot injury and other health issues, but as my health and soul recover, I will be free to run the race with Christ. I am going to make it to the finish line, with Christ at my side. Victory has been won!

P.S. You are enough.

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