So I told Him I wanted to Die
I was a junior in college and it was a dark, brisk winter night. I went to Mass and Confession on campus and when I got home the lights were off. I went to the couch, curled up in a fetal position, and wept. It hurt everywhere and I didn’t know how to describe the pain to anyone. It was constant and exceedingly intense. I didn’t know how much longer I could make it. I wanted the pain to stop, but was too afraid to take my own life, so I told God that I went to Confession because I wanted to die. And that if He wanted to He could take my life. I didn’t think my life mattered, I didn’t think I was enough or lovable. Then I opened my Bible and found the following passage written on a sheet of paper.
I made You. You’re different. You’re unique. With love I formed you in your mother’s womb; fashioned you with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the days I created you (Psalm 139:13-16). To me you are beautiful. I love your smile. I love your ways. I love to hear you laugh and the silly things you say and do (Psalm 139:17). You are yourself and no one else, for this is how I made you. I made you pretty, but not beautiful, because I know your heart and you would be vain. I want you to search out your heart and learn that it would be me in your heart that would make you beautiful, and it would be me in you that would draw friends to you (1 Peter 3:3-5).
I made you in such a way that you would need me. I made you a little more lonesome than you would like to be only because I want you to lean and depend on me. I know your heart. I know if I had not made you like this, you would go about your own chosen way and forget me, Your Creator (Psalm 62:5-8).
I have seen your broken heart and the tears you cried all alone. I have been with you and have had a broken heart too (Psalm 56:8). Many times you have stumbled and fallen alone only because you would not take my hand. So many lessons you learned the hard way because you would not listen to my voice (Isaiah 53:6). So many times I have sat back and watched you go your merry own way alone, only to watch you return to My arms, sad and broken (Psalm 34:18). And now you are mine again. I made you and then I bought you. I paid a high price for you because I love you (Romans 5:8). I have had to reshape and remold you, to renew you to what I had planned for you to be. It has not been easy for you, or for Me (Jeremiah 29:11). I want you to be conformed to My image. This is the high goal I have set for you.
My challenge to you: Read that passage once a day for 30 days.
P.S. YOU’RE ENOUGH.