“You’ll never amount to anything,” he said.

The author wished to remain anonymous. 

One of the harshest, yet in a twisted way, greatest things someone ever said to me was something that should never be said and yet surprisingly it’s something most of us tell ourselves frequently.

I remember that day. With time, its cruelty has faded, like the sun disappearing over the ocean at sunset. I was twelve, with short brown hair. I even remember the floral shirt I was wearing, its brightly colored flowers were just about the happiest thing I would gaze at. We were on a winding staircase, the walls were lightly coated in a dusty sand color. The ceiling was high and I could see the cobwebs above. But things like spiders didn’t scare me. I thought it silly to jump at the sight of a bug the way other girls my age did.

I was different from other girls my age. Life aged me quickly and I couldn’t relate to most of the things the girls talked about at school. While they were worried about their hair, clothes and boys, I was just trying to survive another day.

The staircase had many steps. His face was so close to mine I could taste his spit. At that moment I wished for just ten seconds of his temper to freeze so I could smack him as hard as my young hand could. But since I knew that would never happen I held my rage inside. You’ve touched me for the last time, I thought. Every time was the last time in my mind, but in reality it wasn’t.

He was fuming. You’ll never amount to anything, he screamed. It would have been better off if you had never been born. 

My heart froze.

Even if for a second I craved his affection. Why did he hate me so?

You see that man is my father. And his words sliced my heart deeper than the pain I felt when he threw me through a door so hard it broke and my body clashed into a cement block.

Time passed and I went to college. On the last day of the semester I handed in my final project to my professor, he wished me a Merry Christmas and asked if I had a moment. Of course, I nodded, secretly fearing the worst. You’re one of the hardest working students I’ve ever taught, with your attitude, discipline and work ethic you will go far in life. Keep up the good work. It was a pleasure to teach a student like you. 

Not being accustomed to praise, I was shocked. Instantly, my father’s words from long ago came to mind. You’ll never amount to anything. It would have been better off if you had never been born. 

I could go far in life, this was new to me. My father was wrong. At first it was as if his cruel words fueled me to prove him wrong. And in a way my professors words just had. But it was my hard work that cultivated those words. And I don’t say that in a prideful way. On the contrary, I was taken back that my professor thought that of me, but proud that I hadn’t listened to my father. One time my father told me I should just become an alcoholic. While I had never contemplated the idea, I didn’t think I would succeed in college the way I did.

I carried my father’s words with me for a daunting number of years. At times I thought I would drown in the pain his words and actions caused. You are wrong, was the chorus that rung in my head.

It took years, but I forgive my father. In fact, I’m grateful. Please don’t misinterpret, I would never wish any sort of abuse on anyone. But the only way to navigate through the sufferings of life is to focus on the positive, to be grateful for what you do have, instead of dwelling on what you don’t. To try, with God’s grace to see beauty in our suffering, to navigate through the muck and rise from the ashes and inspire others to do the same. This is our calling in life, this is our mission.

And the truth is I didn’t amount to something because I was successful in school or that I’m successful at my job. I amounted to something before I was even born. Why? Because I’m a daughter of God. Created in the image and likeness of Love Itself. Created with a purpose, out of love and for love. I’m enough simply because I’m His daughter. It took me years to learn this and I’m still learning this. And that’s why I spend time with God every day because I truly am nothing without Him and His grace aids me in seeing beauty in my suffering and in constantly being reminded of all that He has and continues to do for me. Often I think about what it will be like to see our Heavenly Father face to face. I get goosebumps contemplating it, as my heart yearns for that day.

With all candidness, I have nothing but genuine love in my heart for my earthly father. I desire his good and pray daily that he will spend eternity in Heaven with God. I pity him because he was never fathered by his father. He is a very wounded man, like us all. I pray he finds peace before he dies, the peace our hearts were created for and the peace our Father desires to give us through His grace.

Sure, I wish I had a dad I could call and talk to and ask advice from. Before I went to therapy practically every time I saw a little girl and her father I would tear up or hysterically cry. And it was there that I grieved his loss. I miss a dad the most when I’m dating and wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to him about it. I miss that. But we are forged in our suffering and I will make the daily choice until the day I die to choose to see beauty in all losses, pain, rejection, betrayal, and suffering and cling to Hope Itself.

P.S. You are enough.

Photo Credit: Donna Irene Photography