Ahh, That Fat Feeling

By Christine Saah |Guest Blogger

That moment when you realize you still have that voice in your head telling you lies can be scary. I heard that voice non-stop as I ran errands around town with my sister. First, I heard the voice when I came home from Mass. I ate a small breakfast, but knew I needed more in my system. I felt fatigued and didn’t want to go in our cupboards. A small part of me wanted to surrender to sleep and avoid eating… It felt really good to feel a little bit empty. Sometimes I remember how I constantly told myself that if I didn’t eat, I didn’t have to work out. 

I fell asleep for a few minutes, and finally got some energy to go out with my sister. When we were at Dick’s Sporting Goods, my eyes lit up with excitement at all the running gear. The high faded quickly into a sea of anxiety. I realized that I might be able to buy a pair of shorts in addition to the resistance bands I had planned on buying, but knowing I’d have to get a larger size scared me. I ended up leaving the store with only the bands. I didn’t really need the shorts, but the FAT FEELING stuck. We got some food and coffee at Starbucks. I felt gross even though I knew I needed fuel for my body. I started to relax when we headed to watch my old school’s softball game. I also knew I could get a quick run in before the game. I sort of ran, because I felt bad for eating. I also ran, because I want to be in shape. I wish the lingering feelings of shame associated with eating would stop whispering in my ear. 

We came home after the game was stopped due to the pouring rain. Before I knew it, I felt hungry again, especially after working out. We went to Panera Bread, which is my favorite place to eat. I started to eat my roll and salad, but felt nervous. Sitting outside I noticed that Chipotle, Five Guys, McDonalds, Jerry’s and other fast food places were all in the same shopping center. My eating disorder whispered to me, Look at all these places you can eat at… You can eat it all Christine! And you don’t have to feel guilty about it either…You can purge!

I realized that ED was trying to get me to miss him… I don’t miss him! God has really given me enough strength to identify when ED tries to sneak into my mind. I think people recovering from an eating disorder or any addiction are fearful of that little voice whispering lies. I’ve learned that if you fear it, you get more anxious. You don’t have to fear it, because that voice has no power over you. God has already won victory for you. If only you are willing to fight, know that victory is always on your side. – Blessed  Faustina Kowalska

P.S. You are enough.