By Christine Saah:
I have come to realize the parts of my life that God is asking me to change. Let me tell you, it’s so tough getting rid of things that are a comfort in my life. What I am comfortable with is not necessarily healthy for me.
A less known issue of mine is the way in which I approach alcohol. I just turned 21, but have been drinking since age 19. I still cannot remember why I ever decided to take that first drink. I knew I wanted to be good and wait until I was legal, but once I was a second semester freshman, I suddenly decided that I was going to drink. I’ve never really been the party girl, but I have a degree of that in me naturally. I am a crazy/hyper/happy person on the regular, so just imagine what alcohol does. My views on drinking were flawed, as I found that alcohol helped me keep up with the rest of my friends in the social scene. I remember how ugly I always felt so I drank to force myself to not think about it. I got so self-conscious, and drinking was my escape. If I didn’t drink, I would be too shy and ashamed to show my face at the party. I have recently approached alcohol in a healthier way, but the fact is I still have an eating disorder.
My eating disorder was a motive for me to drink last year, and even this year. If I drink, I don’t think about the food that I am going to eat at the party. Plus, I make sure I am out on the dance floor going hard all night to make sure I am burning calories. I love to dance, but it’s become exercise and a means to lose weight. When I drink, I am usually exhausted by the end of the night. I push myself hard and try to keep going as hard as possible. Please be aware that I do not do this on the regular, but the few times it does are traumatic. These moments are the devil tempting me and breaking me down even more. I wake up with guilt and feel uglier than I normally do.
Despite these struggles, I was proud of myself for not wearing leggings or dressing immodestly. I came back from my mission trip and made up my mind to stop wearing leggings as pants. My friend Ruby pointed out that I might feel more comfortable with my body if I wear things that are not as tight. I still don’t have my wardrobe figured out, but I am conscious almost every moment. Sometimes I catch myself and I am already wearing my yoga work out pants. I was in mass once and felt awful for all the gentlemen that saw me. I want to be modest so that I can help men stay pure.
God is asking me to change, and I must listen to His commands. If I have to stop drinking, I will. I cannot even eat normal meals yet so I shouldn’t even add in another factor called alcohol. If I have to dress differently, I will. God said in Matthew 6:25, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?” So like this verse says, I encourage you to listen to God and to not worry about what you should be eating, drinking or wearing. He’ll tell you. I promise. He’s telling me all the time. You just need to pray, pray, and pray. You can’t have a friendship with God if you don’t hang out with Him as if He was your best friend. I tend to avoid confrontations and criticism from my best friends. That’s my pride shining through and the longer I avoid keeping it real with my best friends, the more I suffer. It’s better to run right to it in the chapel in front of the tabernacle. God doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable, but he also wants you to stay holy and that’s the struggle we take on as we aim for heaven.
P.S. You are enough.