To the Boy I Thought I Loved
By Erin McNew
I remember how it felt. To have you always on my mind. To think about the two of us in the context of forever. To desire being held in your arms. To do everything I could to make the two of us work as one. To make your happiness a priority over my own.
I remember how it felt. To lose myself in you. My self-worth. My self-concept. My self-esteem. My self-love.
I remember how it felt. To put all of the right energy into the wrong person. The selflessness. The generosity. The purity. The innocence.
I remember how with every step I took towards you my heart took a step away from God. How with every word you spoke I would become less of who I wanted to be. How every kiss from your lips to mine broke my heart instead of embracing it.
I remember how it felt. And he knows.
He knows the scars you left on my heart. The ones that have yet heal. I work every day to fix them. Some days we talk it out. Some days I try to push them down because they hurt. He hopes that one day it won’t hurt anymore. We have the same hopes. That’s part of how I know he’s from God.
He sees my scars and embraces them. He knows that in some ways I’m imperfect. But eyes of grace allow him to see perfection in imperfection.
He believes I’m beautiful. He doesn’t tell me my hair isn’t long enough or that my skirts are too modest. He loves me how I am.
He’s always on my mind because he’s earned a place in my heart. I think about the two of us in the context of forever because God didn’t put him in my life for the temporary. I desire being held in his arms because I know that in him there’s safety. We do everything we can to make the two of us work as one. Selflessness is a staple of our relationship – seeing one another happy brings joy to our own hearts.
I’ll tell you how it feels. To have someone stand by you as a friend while you work to find yourself. To rediscover your self-worth. To reaffirm your self-concept. To rebuild your self-esteem. To be reacquainted with self-love.
I’ll tell you how it feels. I’m finally putting all the right energy into the right person. The person God intended. The person I’ve been waiting for. Praying for.
Every cautious step I take towards him allows him to become closer to me. Every word he speaks to me captures my soul. Every kiss I get to share with him leaves me feeling fulfilled and loved. He makes every wrong person worth it and every wrong turn make sense.
To the boy I thought I loved – I found forever in the aftermath of the temporary. The baggage I thought I had because of you only allowed me to become increasingly vulnerable with the man I know God sent me. Thank you for breaking my heart – it took every shattered piece to be made whole in Christ.
“…and in Him you have been made complete…” Colossians 2:10
“I have found the one whom my soul loves.” Song of Solomon 3:4
P.S. You are enough.